The Daily Howl
I haven't got the time or the manpower to provide breaking news like those "real" Beatles news sites. I'm not even going to pretend I provide relavent news. I sift through all the boring crap that's being reported at other sites and pick out the stories that are unique, important, or really, really funny. Then I proceed to make fun of them. If you're looking for real news, I suggest
What Goes On -- they're much more proficient than I am.
07 June 2008
Tape Deck From Sgt. Pepper's Added To Rock Hall. What?! They're renovating the Beatles exhibit?! Jesus. I have to find someone to go with me. Considering I live so close, it's ridiculous that I don't spend more time there.
Chesney Hawkes Inspired By Lennon's Piano. Why couldn't Ringo have been friends with my parents? He was friends with every other goddamn person in the universe! I want a Lennon piano. I should make friends with Yoko. haha
Paul Taste-Tests All Of Linda's Frozen Foods. I hope this is true. It would show an extremely rare case of honesty in marketing.
Judge Rules Film Can Use Lennon Song. Holy shit, Yoko lost a case?! My world is collapsing around me.
Liverpool Show 'Best Paul Ever Performed.' WTF?! And I wasn't there?! Hey Paul, could you insult Cleveland so we could lose our shit and cut the head of your statue at the Rock Hall...and then you come and perform THE BEST SHOW EVER in the courtyard of my apartment complex?! That would be great. Kthxbi.
28 May 2008
Paul Recieves Honorary Degree From Yale For "Musical Genius." Oh Jesus, like this man needs any more awards to stroke his ego.
Pete Best Wants To "Catch Up" With Paul. I suppose "talk about our kids and grandkids" = "ask to borrow $20."
Judge Sides With Yoko In Copyright Case. Of course he does. Don't they always?
Paul Forgives Man Who Introduced Him To Heather. Um...shouldn't he? Wouldn't he just be a giant douche if he didn't? WTF that's weird.
20 May 2008
Kids Recreate Abbey Road Cover For Walk To School Week. Cutest. Thing. Ever.
The Queen Visits Garden For George. "The Qeen, man. THE QUEEN!" I love random Spice Girls references. I've seen
photos of this tribute garden, and it's simply beautiful. I want to live there.
Penny Lane Haunted. When
Allison returns from Europe, I'll ask her if she felt any presence or supernatural activity.
07 May 2008
The Beatles And Mick Wanted A Piece Of The Clockwork Pie. That would have been effing amazing! I love the movie in all it's weirdness as it is, but that would have been an incredible thing to see.
Dhani Promises To Tour With Band. Dhani, since you've promised to tour, I promise to come see you...if you decide to grace The Poorest City In The U.S.™ with your presence. Play the Grog Shop. It's a cool venue.
Ringo Vows To Return To Liverpool. Oh come on, dude. This is so lame. I can't believe anyone actually took him seriously in his original comment.
Paul McCartney Gives Away Memory Almost Full with newspaper. What? His album was at number five in the UK. I thought only artists whose albums
didn't sell did shit like this. What's next? Giving away free copies in boxes of Captain Crunch? I guess it has to do with Starbucks' label going under.
Paul And Ringo Rumored To Be Reuniting Onstage. I thought Ringo nixed the idea ages ago because he didn't want people to think he needed Paul to sell tickets. Apparently...he was wrong.
Paul "Owes Liverpool So Much." That's right Paul. Distance yourself from Ringo and his big mouth. Good call.
21 April 2008
John Lennon Got Tony Palmer To Televise The Revolution. I'd never heard of this before, but I want the DVD now. It sounds like a fantastic special. And I love that John's the reason it got made. Another reason to love the guy.
Drummers Aren't Stupid. I knew it!
Liverpool Europe's New Capital Of Culture. Featuring one headless Ringo shrub. Hot.
Lennon Memorial Tender Could Face Charges. I really, really, really, really want to laugh, but something tells me that that would be wrong. John hated hobos. He used to punch them in the neck when they asked him for change.
10 April 2008
Ringo Statue Beheaded As A Result Of His Insulting Remarks About Liverpool. Best. Story. Ever. I
need to go to Liverpool. These are my people!
Yoko And Stella Hug It Out At Neil's Funeral. Why does someone have to die before people can be nice to each other? Christmas and funerals, those are the only times people will stop being selfish assholes and play nice. I hate people. Ugh.
Paul Remembers Linda. Where's the anectdote about the time he smacked her upside the head for being lippy? Or the time he used a broken bottle to slice her face? *shudders* Oh, sorry. I crossed over to Heathereality there for a second. <3 Linda!
Ringo Shares Secrets And Drum Techniques. "Well Dave, the secret to my drumming is that I hit them in time with the music. It can be tricky, but I've mastered it over the years. Also, the hi-hat. I'm a big fan." Getting Keith Moon or John Bonham to discuss their technique would be interesting; Ringo, not so much. He's a fine drummer, but not exactly the most creative.
04 April 2008
Neil Aspinall Passes Away. Bring on the sappy tributes from Beatles fans who couldn't have given two craps about him alive. If you're a celebrity, dying can be a very strategic career move.
Paul McCartney Holidays In The Caribbean With The Future Former Lady McCartney. A week after his divorce settlement. Hot.
Yoko Pities Paul Over Divorce. Oh Jesus. I bet Paul just loves this. I can see him hunched in front of his laptop, shaking his fist at the screen in frustration, asking his PA to "turn off that damned interactive telly."
The Beatles Were Right...4000 Holes In Lancashire. Do we care? It was a slow news day then (John apparently came up with the line after reading an article about the subject in a newspaper), and it's a fucking slow news day now. We. Don't. Care.
22 March 2008
Did May Pang nearly reunite The Beatles?. Of course she did. Just before she nearly cured cancer and just after she nearly brought back the spirit of Jesus using a Ouija board. Is there anything this wonderful woman can't nearly do?
Apple sues over newly discovered Hamburg recordings. Cancio's statement at the end of this article is right on the money. Unless Apple can take hold of it and charge us twice as much as this company would, they're not happy. If this company really feels its unfair that fans can't get these recordings, why not leak them onto the internet so we can all download it for free? I'm just saying. Or, you guys can send the recordings to me. Yes?
Paul vows to remain friends with Heather for Beatrice's sake. Five minutes later, Heather vowed to exploit Paul's vow in order to squeeze more money out of him.
Students steal Beatles photo as a prank. Then they poured Jello in the pool and put cherry bombs in all the toilets.
Divorce judgement reveals the extent of Paul's wealth. Explain to me again why this is news? I thought we all knew that Paul could buy and sell all of us.
Rutles reunite to celebrate their 30th anniversary. I fucking love The Rutles. Eric Idle was and is a genius.
08 January 2008
Ringo makes off with restaurant centerpiece. Wow, it's official: Ringo has now become a senior citizen. I wonder, did he fill his purse with all the sugar packets as well?
May Pang tells her side of affair with John. She will never stop talking about her love affair with John. Ever. Her gravestone will read: "Here lies May Pang. John and I were in love! Srsly!"
Is mystery guitar really John Lennon's? What I really want to know is, if this story is true, does that mean John never came back to pay his hotel bill? I believe it.
American company and Yoko working together to make John Lennon neckties. Whatever, dude. I ordered my John Lennon art toilet paper like three months ago and I still haven't got it. Fuck that.
Paul and Kylie make Heater cry. HAHAHA One of the few times where the story itself is funnier than any comments I could make on it. Good Lord.
22 November 2007
John Lennon photograph uncovered.. I really want to pretend that I care about this
amazing, extra special BRAND NEW photograph of John Lennon. But I just can't do it. And what's with his Colonel Sanders bowtie? Just grow a handlebar moustache and get it over with. You know you want to.
08 November 2007
Heather flips over Paul's Sun kiss. Dra-a-a-a-a-ma. /stereotypical gay voice.
Help! re-released on DVD. You can get a special edition for a cool $140. Can I afford to spend that much money on a DVD and a photocopied script? No. Will I be spending that much money on a DVD and a photocopied script? Hell. Yes.
Jane Asher still won't dish on relationship with Paul. Did anyone really think
Jane of all people would end up being the Beatle Wife/Girlfriend who kept her dignity? Me neither.
Paul plans on going after full custody of Beatrice. I don't know why Heather's in a huff about this; Paul's gonna croak within ten years, and then Bea defaults back to her anyway. If I were her, I'd shut up and wait out the clock.
04 November 2007
Heather Mills' PR agent quits after her television tyrade. He must have felt like he was siphoning water out of the
Titanic with a dixie cup. If she'd stop acting insane for more than two minutes at a time, maybe we all
could move on and learn not to hate her. Yoko's doesn't seem so crazy now, does she Yoko-haters? She's about as tame as Maureen Cox in comparison, isn't she? haha
Lock of Lennon's hair to be sold at auction. I know I make fun of people for spending so much money on absolutely useless Beatle items at these auctions, but I'd totally buy it if I had the money. Maybe some mad scientist/crazed Beatles fan will buy it, find a hair with the root still attached, and make Lennon clones. I'd buy one of those, too.
Liam Gallagher claims to have been visited by Lennon's ghost. No way! Me too! Only in my visitation, he danced naked to "Jungle Boogie."
Yoko Ono says she wanted to marry a priest. She further explains that she got her wish, because John was more spiritual than most. He also had sex with little boys. (Disclaimer: I am a Catholic and none of the priests in my parish are child molesters. No hate mail. But John really did molest little boys. He told me so after "Jungle Boogie" ended).
05 July 2007
Paul's "Dance Tonight" hits the Billboard Top 100. Congratulations! Maybe now that you've finally got another hit, you'll continue to make good albums! (See how I managed to mix an insult in with a compliment? I'm brilliant.)
Pattie Boyd comes clean about Harrison/Clapton love triangle. About thirty five years after everyone stopped giving a damn. I hate these blatant attempts to make money disguised as soul-cleansing "get it off my chest" self-help bullshit. Need to talk about it? Get a therapist.
Sean Lennon doesn't like the young people's music. Someone really needs to tell this jackass to shutup. Why do we encourage the children of famous people to talk? This is the kind of pretentious, out of touch bullshit they always give us. So why? How do you say "Buy a White Stripes album" in French?
This guy is my hero. I'd paint the outside of my house like this if I could afford it. And if I had a house.
14 June 2007
Judge cites 42 Beatles songs to teach thief a lesson. Oh man, I laughed for about half an hour over this one. Criminals are so stupid, even when they're trying to be clever. That judge is amazing, if only for the fact that he used "Something New" as one of the songs. That's a real fan for you.
Paul plans to spend birthday with Heather. Smart move, Paul. Escape the dragons cave only to go back for your helmet. I get visions of Paul standing in his kitchen wearing a Mr. Rogers sweater just before going into diabetic shock, yelling, "Just when I thought that I was out they pull me back IN!" The man's a billionaire, he's famous, he's a BEATLE for Christ's sake! He can not be in that desperate a need for female attention.
Yoko tells of last night with John. Oh geez, here we go again. Every time someone wants to sell or get publicity for something, new details suddenly come up about John's Last Night. Gimme a break. He worked in the studio. He smoked cigarettes. Maybe he ate a sandwich. He was driven home. He was shot. He fell down. He died. Look, I'm as big a fan as anyone of John Lennon, but enough is enough. Everyone's willing to let sleeping dogs lie until they want attention, and suddenly I'm supposed to want to know just WHAT KIND of sandwich John ate on his last night. I understand the touching angle of him wanting to see his son instead of eating (maybe if Taco Bell had 4th meal back then, John would have stopped for dinner...), but unless after he was shot he dragged himself up several flights of stairs and into Sean's room, and held his son in his arms, and refused hospital care because he wanted to be with his son when he died, then maybe it'd be fucking touching. Saying his love for his son cost him his life is ludicrous. That's like saying if someone were killed on their way to their shitty job, that their love for their job cost them their lives. I don't care who I'm offending; this pseudo-emotional B.S. used to get publicity has gotten really old for me. How about you?
04 June 2007
Paul admits no artist he's ever worked with matched John Lennon. Um...duh?
Heather Mills axed from The View. If you can't even get a spot on
The View anymore, there's something seriously wrong with you. That show sucks.
Paul rep denies he ditched American Idol. Maybe he couldn't stand the suspense of waiting through countless montages and commercial breaks to find the winner. That show sucks, too.
The Sun updates Sgt. Pepper cover. So stupid it hurts.
Paul's new album to be released tomorrow. And of course, I have no money. Buy it for me, please?
26 May 2007
Paul premieres new video. Yes, Paul is hip and can get jiggy as well as any of the young kids. Why is it that you can so easily tell which videos are made by old musicians versus young? They always have a different feel and look. But yeah, I'm really glad Paul's back on the Reef. His music is so much better.
Rare Beatles photos to go on display. Ooh. How exciting. What's it going to be this time? The same shots of them in the studio at different angles? Or the same shots of them at a press conference at different angles. Oh, or how about those amusing shots of them mugging for the camera on an airplane...at different angles? There are tens of thousands of Beatles photos in circulation -- am I really supposed to get that excited over pictures that probably look like every other bloody picture taken of them? Show me a picture of Paul wearing women's underwear, or John fucking a collie, and then maybe I'll go check out the display.
Scottish Highlands to host Lennon festival. Wait, what? I thought the Scottish hated the English. I suppose a grudge hundreds of years old isn't as important as making money off a dead musician. Hey, I saw
Braveheart. I know what went on. The damn English bastards.
Paul and Heather call a truce for the sake of their daughter. And hopefully, after a few more pleasantries about the weather and friendly chats over pasta and wine, they'll wipe all memory of the last year and half from little Bea's head. How will that conversation go when she's 12? "Even though your father thinks I'm a cheap hooker, and I tried to poison Daddy's breakfast, that doesn't mean we don't love you any less, sweetie."
13 May 2007
Ringo would rather watch The Rolling Stones on TV. Apparently, spending $150 on a ticket only to spend the entire show watching a TV screen doesn't agree with Ringo. That sounds kind of fam--oh wait! That's kind of like what I had to do at the Paul McCartney concert I went to a few years ago. Yeah, Ringo. If it bugs you that much, why not pass the word on to your little Beatle buddy for me? For $150 I should have been sitting in his lap.
Paul says he still just loves writing songs. Even after all these years, he's still trying to convince us that everything he writes has nothing to do with anything at all in his life. He just...likes to write songs. And sometimes...certain subjects inadvertently find their way in between the lines. Well, I'm working on a song called "Wishy Washy Old Bastard," but it has nothing to do with what I'm thinking about right now.
The Beatles are topic of campus lectures. Well, it's official. The Beatles are finally 100% not cool. As soon as they start teaching something at school, it ceases to have any ability to increase or maintain an individual's popularity. I mean, I'm sure at one point, before Greek dudes in sandals and white robes started lecturing it on hilltops, mathematics was the coolest shit ever. Now look at it. Do you know anyone that would admit to enjoying math? I think not. Hey Beatles, guess what? You're square.
Paul backs The Casbah in new promo film. Why is every friggin' building that existed before 1963 referred to as "The Place Where It All Started" when referencing The Beatles? If John's home is going to be torn down, it's petitioned because it's The Place Where It All Started. The Casbah needs business so it's The Place Where It All Started. Paul took a dump in that coffee shop 'round the corner, that must be The Place Where It All Started. I wonder if after The Beatles became famous, Freddie Lennon had "The Place Where It All Started" tattooed on his dick -- you know, because business was slow.
07 May 2007
Julian Lennon sold his stake in Beatles music. Still living according to his motto of "If I can't have the love of my father, I can leech as much money as possible off his name, work, and likeness."
Paul's got a new album coming out. Due out in early June, his album
Memory Almost Full shows him in a nostalgic mood, with songs about his childhood, his friendship with John Lennon, and his early adulthood. I don't even have a joke. I heard one of the tracks off the album, and it's incredible. I can't wait to get it!
Ringo's got a new album coming out. It's also set to be released in June, and is titled
Liverpool 8 in reference to his original Liverpool postal code. The album supposedly steers him away from the Beatlesque sound. Ooh. Hey Ringo...maybe not such a good idea, huh?
Lindsay Lohan receives death threats for appearing in film about Lennon's killer. Um, yeah. Because by playing a made-up character that befriends the killer, she somehow is responsible for John Lennon's death. Or maybe they're just mad because she dyed her hair again.
And finally,
there's a new "Beatles" song in the works. Because that'll never get old. Eventually, after they're all dead, producers will just start splicing together shit from their solo works and calling them "New Beatle Tracks."
15 February 2007
Heather Mills set to be on Dancing With The Stars. You have no idea how much self control it's taking me to not make a string of really bad prosthetic leg jokes. No. Idea.
28 February 2007
Heather Mills is a bitch. I know, I know. That sounds a little biased. But anyone who is able to ride a bike and ski should not be using handicapped parking tags in order to get closer spots. That is a dispicable thing to do, and she is going to burn in hell for using the term "disability" just because she's fucking lazy. Forget everything about her and Paul; people like that make me sick. There are people who truly have disabilities that could use the closer spots, that CAN'T afford a goddamn chauffer. I am so absolutely disgusted, it's not even worth it to make a joke. Ugh.
11 February 2007
Heather Mills dropped as a PETA spokesperson. Paul's daughter Mary would only agree to take photos for the group if Heather no longer represented them. So naturally, PETA had Heather removed like a bum leg. Zing!
Ringo quits The Roundheads. After nearly a decade performing together, Ringo and The Roundheads are parting ways. Am I the only one who had no idea Ringo was in a group called The Roundheads?
Lennon fans call for a boycott of Chapter 27. This only cements my belief that Lennon fans hate Jared Leto. The blue-eyed devil.
25 January 2007
Paul is supposedly working on a new album
already. Not a big surprise there. What's exciting is the rumor that a big portion of the album is going to focus on Heather Mills, the divorce, and her overall douchebagginess. Paul is not known for writing angry music, so I'm really looking forward to seeing how he puts his feelings and thoughts about their situation into music. Will his songs be filled with anger and resentment? Will there be more of a regretful, wistful sound to it? Will he be blatantly obvious in his attacks, or will he do what he always does and mask the message with the beauty of the melody? I don't care if it stinks or not, I'm getting his next album to find the answers to these questions. Who else can't wait?!
Whoever makes these decisions for The Beatles' music has always been far behind technology. They are one of the few big bands who hasn't released their catalogue for sale on Apple's iTunes. Rumor has it, however, that Apple is planning a big surprise announcement for the Super Bowl, and many think they're going to announce that The Beatles will finally become available on iTunes. I think I might have to watch the Super Bowl this year to see
that commercial!
11 January 2007
Experts (and we all know that the "experts" are all-knowing) are predicting that The Beatles are likely to top the UK charts -- the top ten positions, no less -- if their back catalogue becomes available as digital downloads. Of course they will; if their music doesn't re-enter the charts every ten years, the world will collapse upon itself.
Ringo Starr's childhood home is currently under negotiations with its owners to tear it down brick by brick and relocate it to Liverpool's new museum. This just confirms my belief that Beatles fans are insane and Liverpool is going to milk their Beatles association for all its worth until the end of time. I'm not complaining -- I'd check it out in a second if I could.
Let's end this on an hysterically funny note. Yoko Ono's former driver recently tried to blackmail her and threatened to kill her. His blackmail letter was read in court today, which claims that he had Sean on tape calling John a "wife-beating asshole" (and he's the son John
liked!). Here's the funny part: his lawyer is claiming the blackmail note shows he was pursuing a
legitimate sexual harassment claim against Yoko. Apparently, Yoko didn't pay any attention when Mr. Karsan shouted, "That's sexual harassment, and I don't have to take it!"
30 December 2006
For the five people in the world that are both Beatles fans
and stamp collectors, have I got an exciting bit of news for you! For the first time ever, The Beatles will be featured on a set of six stamps in England, due out in January. They will depict six of The Beatles' albums, including
With The Beatles,
Revolver, and of course,
Sgt. Pepper. I wonder if, when you lick the
Sgt. Pepper stamp, you'll start to see pretty colors and your 78 year old neighbor will turn into a goat? That would be interesting...
In other news, Paul has finally revealed his divorce strategy: Heather settles out of court or gets nothing. See, what Heather didn't know is that Paul didn't actually make money while they were married; he was touring, and therefore suffered a
loss of income throughout the duration of their marriage. Alimony is based on how much money your spouse made during the marriage, not how much money you have overall. Based on his income at that time, she would be entitled to absolutely nothing. Score one for Team McCartney. I can't express enough how much I love this man. I bet that was a real kick in the nuts for Ms. Mills.
And finally, remember the woman who broke into George Harrison's house and managed to stab him before Olivia opened a can of whoopass on her? She was recently found dead in a car with another person in Nevada. It hasn't been confirmed how she died, but experts figure the other person shot her, drove a little further, and then shot himself. Sucks to be crazy, doesn't it?
24 December 2006
Yoko's having trouble with blackmail. Again. Years ago, a personal assistant of John and Yoko's stole belongings from them, including John's personal diaries. Yoko raised hell and eventually got them back, but not before he threatened her with all kinds of fun blackmail.
This time around, it's her driver doing the blackmailing. Apparently, he decided to bring a tape recorder along on their carrides, which caught quite a few interesting personal conversations Yoko had with other passengers and on her phone. At first, he just asked for money in exchange for the tapes. It soon escalated to death threats. How fun.
It just goes to show you; when it comes to The Beatles, people are completely out of their minds. John and Yoko seemed to have attracted the biggest weirdos on the planet. And then take them into their employ.
They're called background checks, Yoko. Look into it.
24 October 2006
We all knew Paul and Heather's divorce would be messy. I think we all knew Heather was more than capable of dispicible behavior. We just never thought it would reach this level of insanity.
A few days after a leak gave us a glimpse into Heather's legal strategy, where she's claiming Paul physically, verbally, and mentally abused her throughout their entire marriage, she is now claiming that Paul also abused his late wife, Linda.
Paul and Linda married in 1969, and rarely spent a day apart until she passed away in 1998. Coroners
claimed she died from cancer, but perhaps we should take another look at that autopsy report. After Heather's completely credible accusations, we should begin to consider the possibility that Paul beat his beloved wife to death.
No friends, family, or former employees have come forward yet to confirm Heather's wildly believable stories, but I'm confident that with enough
bribe money coaxing, they'll overcome their shyness and fear of Paul's wrath to finally put that monster in prison. Where he belongs. *cough*
